This is such a strange period in our history, and you may be finding that relationships with partners and family are under strain. Old points of conflict or unhappiness may be being revisited or re-emerging. Discovering habits that had been “hidden” by ‘normal’ life before lockdown. These are just a few points that could be causing conflict and unhappiness to arise. The important thing is to not let them fester and build, but to try and deal with them in an adult-to-adult manner if the parties are willing to do so.
What can help
What does it mean to have an adult-to-adult conversation? It means, especially where the parties are not very little children, that the parties are willing and open to really listen to and hear one another.
- It means that you are both or all, on the same level and no-one is ‘older than’ or ‘better than’ the other.
- It means that you each give one another the same amount of time to speak
- It means not interrupting.
- It means that you respect that each one of you has a point of grievance they would like to be able to express and to have heard by the other/s involved.
- It means that each of you would like to have their issue acknowledged as being an issue that they are experiencing and to not have it dismissed as nonsense or irrelevant.
Practicalities
- Choose a time and place that all agree will work for them. Perhaps put ideas into a cup or bowl so that by the end of day or by a certain time, all will have put in their choices
- Have an object that you can hold and pass on to the next speaker, that is agreed to indicate that only that person is speaking and allowed to have their say. This is especially useful if some feel they are dominated and won’t be heard – children by parents for example. Children can be an adult’s greatest lesson and can teach them a thing or two.
- Agree the agenda, time, and time given to each to speak, and make it a proper meeting so that all feel it is as neutral, or formal, as possible.
- If necessary, ask someone to be a mediator if it is felt that it may devolve into conflict. Ensure that whoever is chosen is agreed to by all parties.
- Someone may be designated note-taker should that be necessary.
- If all of this sounds far too formal, make it work for you, but ensure that everyone is addressed politely and not in a conflictual way with raised voices and insults.
If this is not the way you would like to resolve your conflict, and all agree, it may be time to get outside, neutral help.